i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
