I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
