we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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