Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
