One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
