I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
