Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
