I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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