I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
