I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
