I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Fuck appropriateness.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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