Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
