note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
