im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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