u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
