i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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