someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
