I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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