You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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