i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
You ever have a fart follow you around?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
