You just made me feel so damn special
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
