Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Randomize
