Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
