Have you finally orgasmed yet?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
