Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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