OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
My breasts were aching with rage.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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