She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
