Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
