Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
