so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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