I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
