let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
