Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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