Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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