Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
