Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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