it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
