Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
