remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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