The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
