Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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