i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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