It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
