Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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