Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
