this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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