Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
