okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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