Dude my mom stole all your condoms
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
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