Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
