i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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