sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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