I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
