We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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