Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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