I just saw a hot homeless man
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
