I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
