my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
