Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
