ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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